There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
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“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I saw my ex and her new man at mattress warehouse so being my ever helpful self I told him don’t buy a memory foam, you won’t be around long enough for it to remember you.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Inside you there are two wolves
thanksgiving in nutshell
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
If you have to choose between being cool or a cucumber…
Pick cool pickle.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Can I do this?
-Kids, while doing it
War & Peace
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
Academia sounds like a disease. But it’s actually much worse.
If you rub chop sticks together its a sign of disrespect but if you use them to play a bitching drum solo much honor will come your way
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
I call my wife “Wordle”
She keeps me guessing.
I’m seldom right.
And it’s a daily occurrence.
All my passwords are protected … by my poor memory.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
My five stages of waking up:
1)Denial
2)Denial
3)Denial
4)Denial
5)Extreme hostility
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body