When I go to the gym I reward myself by not going back for a couple weeks.

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Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert


Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos


[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*


I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon


If you want a waitress to leave you alone for a half hour, tell her you need 5 more minutes to order.


Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon


I just want someone who’s willing to barge into my funeral dressed in a hazmat suit screaming, “WE GOT THE AUTOPSY RESULTS BACK! YOU’VE ALL BEEN EXPOSED TO…” then dramatically drop dead while all the doors slam shut.


It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.


The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.


cop: [bangs on door] “open up, its the police”
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] “two seconds”