@delusions_of

When I go to the gym I reward myself by not going back for a couple weeks.

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@ArfMeasures

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert

@MariyaAlexander

Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos

@Tmoney68

[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]

Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.

CEO: How can we supply that many?

Jesus: *winks at camera*

@craigrachel

I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon

@Cali_Kid_Mike

If you want a waitress to leave you alone for a half hour, tell her you need 5 more minutes to order.

@shutupmikeginn

Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon

@SaltyCorpse

I just want someone who’s willing to barge into my funeral dressed in a hazmat suit screaming, “WE GOT THE AUTOPSY RESULTS BACK! YOU’VE ALL BEEN EXPOSED TO…” then dramatically drop dead while all the doors slam shut.

@LizHackett

It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.

@iamnotdiddy

The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.

@KeetPotato

cop: [bangs on door] “open up, its the police”
me: [flushing snickers multi-packs i sell individually down toilet] “two seconds”