Now then – what’s an oxymoron?
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Terribly Tuesday.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
I hum “Eye of the Tiger” when I have to stand-up from a low couch
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
ZOMBIE: *squishing brains through fingers* got your knows
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
If goldfish crackers actually tasted like goldfish–
wait, I just realized I’ve never tasted a goldfish. What if the crackers are accurate?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.