When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
You Might Also Like
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
It’s really important to have things in common with your spouse, for instance my wife and I both despise my very existance.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
I put my phone in “airplane mode” and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked.
Worst. Transformer. Ever .
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
“Hi I can’t remember the name of this actress.You know her, she’s in that movie you saw. She’s got that hair.”
-actual message from my mom
Astronaut: wtf is this
NASA: it’s space food
A: I specifically asked for only Milky Way bars
N: look we get it but-
A: no no I’m coming down
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
“Wow, it’s pouring out there.”
“Just let a smile be your umbrella!”
“That’s not how rain works, Karen.”
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I’m at my sexiest when I find the grown out patch of hair on the outside of my ankle I missed with the razor the last 17 times I shaved.
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.