When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
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[stabbing you with a knife]
I’m just being sarcastic, lighten up.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
If you removed every blade from a 747’s engines and laid them end to end, you’d go to prison for rendering useless a $357 million aircraft.
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
[parking lot in the 80’s]
*man appears to be having a heart attack*
MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR
ME: that’s great, grandma. now he can record the shows he’s missing when he’s dead
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
When the priest reads my eulogy, I want the first line to be “Personally, I never liked this asshole”.
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
In banana years, I am bread.