Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
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Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
I have no milkshakes. No one comes to my yard. The grass looks fantastic.
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
You better check your child’s halloween candy bc I’m giving out polyhedral dice this year, and if you thought drugs were bad just wait until you see how addicting D&D is.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
Joker: You’re endangering a minor
Batman: He’s my partner
Joker: Why’s he in his underwear?
Batman: So we match. Look, this isn’t about me.
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
asian women will be in palo alto pushing a $5000 stroller holding a birkin wearing 2-3 cartier bracelets having a 5 carat diamond ring wearing chanel sunglasses and some blonde woman wearing yoga pants at the grocery store will be like are you the nanny
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
*getting sexy boudoir photos taken for my husband*
Photographer: Ma’am, in the next shot, could you please put down the cheeseburger?
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
Whenever an actor writes something out in a movie, i always wonder IS THAT THEIR REAL HANDWRITING OR ARE THEY ACTING THEIR LITTLE FINGERS OFF?
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
You can only be young once, but you can be immature forever.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
No I will not change my password.
If someone wants this life, they can have it.
Always the barmaid, never the bar.
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.