Diet update: I’m already down 3 scales after throwing them out the window.
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[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
Sometimes I drown cookies in milk in front of their family until they tell me the whereabouts of the Keebler Elves.
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
Lmaoo 😂
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*