This Viagra show looks cool but they keep cutting away to football
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I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
Friend: Sorry. Are you annoyed?
Me: *chainsaw noises*
Schrödinger: Happy anniversary!
Schrödinger’s wife: Thank you! I wonder what’s in the box!
Schrödinger: [Realizes he grabbed the wrong box and starts sweating]
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
My most solemn promise to my friends: If you’re caught in a time-loop, I will believe you. Do you die at some point in the day and wake up to relive it again? And again. And again. Tell me, I’ll believe you. We’ll skip the entire “convincing me” montage.
I. Will. Believe. You.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
I’m in quicksand and then I realize it’s actually oatmeal. I start to eat my way out until I realize there’s no sugar, cinnamon or walnuts. Disgusted, I stop eating and let death embrace me.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Geography FACT: The world’s second highest mountain is called Everer.
Me: OK Fine. 𝑰’𝑳𝑳 cook the turkey this time for the Holiday.
[Family Dinner]
Me: Who wants burnt meat and who wants raw meat?
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
The reason I don’t use Uber is any one of you could be a driver.
This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Me: [from inside a sealed cardboard box] I’m the total package.
Everyone else at speed dating:
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR