When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
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had my yearly physical and the dr signed me up for flu & covid vaccine and i had to tell her no & explain i am not an antivaxer i just always get my covid shot the night before the phillies have an afternoon playoff game so i can use my vaccine pto to stay home from work to watch
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
While trying to get my toddler to sleep, I muttered “who gave you caffeine?!” She has been repeating this phrase for an hour now.
Do I write a note to the sitter explaining the situation before or after she announces that someone gave her caffeine before bed
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
I would love to ker-sploosh this.
Terribly Tuesday.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
People are always impressed to find out that I got my PhD at 17 but anything is possible if you work hard enough and lie.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
ME: for like important stuff i guess
CNN: an Ohio woman just ate 37 McRibs
ME: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
ME: she did what
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
I got a letter from a bill collector saying this is the last time they will attempt to contact me, so this problem really solved itself
A rib broke out of the trash bag last night and stabbed me in the shin as I was taking out the trash. I know my vegetarian followers will approve. 🙂
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight