When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
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“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
[watching paint dry]
“Haha! It’s just nice watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch inMy God! There he is”
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
‘But that means…’
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
just saw a tiktok of someone saying they’re “never buying garlic again” after they discovered “this hack” and literally planted garlic in their backyard a grew more. brother do u think u just discovered agriculture???
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
WOMAN: [disgusted] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [gently placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Pandas are seen as useless because they lack energy, they don’t have sex and they have extremely poor diets. I am basically a panda.
I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.
All my neighbors are meticulously landscaping their yards and I’m over here giving each of my weeds a nickname
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Everyone in Canada is really pretty which means I should probably move there
I’m not saying these people are peeing in the ocean, but I’ve been on the beach for 4.5 hours with a bunch of beer drinkers and not one has left my line of sight yet.