When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
You Might Also Like
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Before seeing why your toddler has been quiet for 10 mins it’s best to first call the plumber and write your apology letter to the landlord.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets at the gym?
Please say like 5 months?
Wait for it
Not allowed to stay up past 10:30 or I start Googling things like “how to start donkey sanctuary”
If you have never had a friend that you haven’t contemplated leaving at a gas station forever I applaud you.
me, in the confessional: well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers.
the priest: is there another religion you can join?
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I drove for the first time in a long time without the music on……I don’t think cars are supposed to make the sounds I’m hearing.
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
I watched my wife listen to our youngest son describe how another boy was mean to him and saw her explain to him how to deal with it peaceably while plotting in her head a murderous rampage of the boy’s entire family.