@jngraphs

When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies

Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy

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@dyldonot

Baa!
“My name is–”
Moo!
“My name is–”
Neigh!
“My name is *chickenchicken* Slim Shady.”

-Eminem at a farm.

@Daveastated

Computer: Choose a password.

Me: 9Df6akt86lpd

Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.

@SillySassySmart

The awkwardness of my life is equivalent to when somebody says “Happy Birthday” and you say “Thanks you too!”

@abbymedlock

I can’t stand this long distance relationship anymore. Fridge, you’re coming to my room.

@50NerdsofGrey

‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.

@cal_gif

Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy

@That_Damn_Duck

One last time…

It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!

It’s that simple.

Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.

@eminmien

“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.

“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.