When I had no money, I had few friends, but no enemies
Btw, I still have no money, in case you were thinking of becoming my friend or enemy
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Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
A water balloon fight but the balloons are filled with meaty chili
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
Spend $250 on your kid playing soccer so they can tell you the only thing they enjoyed is the popsicle at the end of the game
My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
Me: I want to be sculpted like a Greek god
Plastic surgeon: We can help with-
Me: *opens mouth* Fill me with cement
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
i don’t want to get up. i want to stay in bed until the day my grandson wins tickets to a chocolate factory
A girl with kaleidoscope eyes sounds horrifying.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
“Hi, I’m here for Paradox Club.”
-Actually this is Oxymoron Club.
“Ok, same difference.”
*looks at group*
-Oh, this guy is good.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
“YES, MOM! NO CRUST! You’ve been making my sandwiches for 37 years now, STOP ASKING!”
*mom leaves crust on so you’ll finally move out*
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.
Her: What if there’s lightning?
Me: Then you get to be on top…
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
Officer: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *checks Fitbit*
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.