@youngcogan

when I had surgery I assumed that when they were giving me aesthetic that they’d count down from ten like you see on the telly but instead a czech nurse just looked down at me and said “goodbye” and I was gone. i laugh every time i think about it.

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@DirtMcTurd

Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.

@markleggett

I think comic book bad guys have the right idea, aiming their weapons directly at Captain America’s shield. That’s probably his weak point.

@MissHavisham

7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.

@MarcusCVance

What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”

@3sunzzz

Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.

@Social_Mime

Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.

@PULPKetchup

What idiot called it kitchen worktop manufacture and not counter productive.

@HenpeckedHal

me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age

@Laser_Cat

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.