when I had surgery I assumed that when they were giving me aesthetic that they’d count down from ten like you see on the telly but instead a czech nurse just looked down at me and said “goodbye” and I was gone. i laugh every time i think about it.

You Might Also Like


Two things you need to know about me:

1. I am hung over.

2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.


I think comic book bad guys have the right idea, aiming their weapons directly at Captain America’s shield. That’s probably his weak point.


7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.


What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?

My biggest problem?

Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”

Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”

Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”


Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.


Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.


What idiot called it kitchen worktop manufacture and not counter productive.


me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age


America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.