Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes
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I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
I can’t watch movies made before 1998 because the gas prices in the background of scenes make me too angry
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Me: Cooks meals, does laundry, picks my kid’s toys that he has allegedly already put away
Me asks *my kid to do his home work*
My kid: why do I have to do everything around here?
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
Getting older is cool because you can take a deep breath and it’ll crack your back
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
I have a black cat called Blackie and a fish called Fishface, so I get it guy who named the Walkie talkie.
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
Saved my gall bladder in a jar so when they ask me at the DMV if I want to be an organ donor, I can put it on the counter and say, “YES!”
Black Friday is the Christian holiday where Jesus rose from the grave at 4am to get in line to purchase a discounted HDTV for his Father.
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Got home at 2:30AM after traveling from Miami to Los Angeles yesterday. I slept 5 hours, unpacked everything, cleaned our entire house, including washing clothes, towels, and sheets + went grocery shopping.
I will never be this productive again, so I had to tell everyone. 😂
You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn’t used to be?
I don’t know who needs to hear this but by September you should already have your letter to Santa drafted.
*unhooking milker from my gorilla*
wife: still no glue?
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE