When I had to tediously pull one hundred and forty three bobby pins out of my wife’s hair on our wedding night, I probably should’ve taken that as a sign.
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So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
artificial flowers are properly known as “flower decoys”; learn some flower calls, then use the decoys to attract and kill real flowers
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
One interesting thing I learned in my thirties is that you can leave a bar before it closes.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
Robocop’s guns malfunction.
Robocop gets sued for manslaughter.
Robocop loses his home.
Hobocop.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
rest in peace, 2023.
2023-2023
My daughter asked me what a colonoscopy was so I gave her an honest answer. She learned about colonoscopies and I learned I need to be less honest.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
Imagine being held hostage for an entire video game and when your rescuer finally gets to you they were like, “Sorry it took so long, I had to find a special hat and help some villagers collect blueberries.”
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Why is everyone getting married at me
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.