When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
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Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
All parents have a favourite child
Good parents pretend they don’t
Great parents at least make it one of their own
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Me: we’re so compatible we finish each other’s
Him: SENTENCES
Me: you interrupt me one more time I will end you
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
Six feet under.
– Yoda, explaining why he was turned away from riding the roller coaster
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow- you didn’t waste any time, did you Becky
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I hang out with people smarter than me so when the zombies attack they will eat their brains first while I escape. Who’s the idiot now Mom!?
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
I just told my daughter “doja cat doesn’t get enough credit” & she responded “I know, right” & nodded thoughtfully in agreement, but here’s the thing: wtf is a doja cat
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
[Jews being led out of Egypt]
Woman: *mumbles* 40 years? He couldn’t just stop & ask directions?
Moses: WHO SAID THAT? NO MANNA FOR YOU!
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
Let’s be honest, a forced 2 week quarantine will be the only way we’ll ever actually finish the laundry.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
‘I want to see other families.’
~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving