when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
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Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
I want you all to understand this might be the funniest tiktok of an animal I have seen in a long time.
Neighbor: can you watch my dog?
Me: like through your window?
N: no, I meant like-
Me: cause I don’t do that now
N: watc-
Me: okay once
[Super Bowl Halftime performance]
Rhianna: 🎶 Know you wanna see me nakey, nakey, naked 🎶
7YO: Why would he want to see her naked body?
9YO: Maybe he’s a doctor
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love.
Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money.
Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.
Who does Amazon think I am?
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Everyone thinks their kids are normal until you’re leaving instructions for a sitter and you’re like, “do not open the applesauce pouch all the way- open it halfway, hand it to him, and back away slowly. Also he has to sleep with 3 pacifiers and Lightning McQueen.”
Woman in Target said she just noticed the “e” and always thought it was called Clarence sale
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
I’m going to be real with you. my dinners lately are just sort of me throwing things into a pot like a witch in a cartoon
They should just put something in the water so we all sleep for 14 days.
It would be way faster and I could use a two week nap. I swear to god I should just be in charge of everything.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
I wanted to be Batman when I was a kid. So I kept leading my parents into dark alleys in the bad part of town.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Check your privilege
if any of u nasty little cretins were even the least bit curious where i’m at right now i just tried to wipe a couple raindrops off my phone so they wouldn’t show up in a screenshot i was taking
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
“I could stay awake just to hear you breathing…Watch you smile while you’re sleeping…”
Aerosmith = Romantic
Me = Restraining Order