When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
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I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
JOB INTERVIEWER: It says here on your resume that you’re an overachiever
ME: Yes for example I’m having my mid-life crisis way ahead of middle-age
Probably my best painting.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
America: OH MY GOD. Some guy got shot in Ferguson.
World: We’re kinda busy with the 191,000 deaths from the Syrian Civil War
I keep getting blocked by my old math teachers on Facebook for messaging them stuff like “remember when you said I wasn’t always gonna have a calculator in my pocket”
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I wonder how many hobbies you have to suck at before you take up bird watching.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
[during sex]
Him: are you on your phone?
Me: it’s called live tweeting maybe you’ve heard of it
My mental health is as reliable as a flashlight in a horror film
Joker: hey can you not punch me? yanno, social distancing haha
Batman: *pulls out batarangs*
Joker: ohhh are those sanitized?
Batman: ugh you know we really shouldn’t even be out in Gotham
Joker: oh I just needed eggs lol
Batman: me too!
[both eye last carton]
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
“How is there a sink full of dirty dishes? I just washed them yesterday.”
—My 10-year-old learning a tough life lesson