@ChicksRule

When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

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@thezsmooth

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

@Laser_Cat

In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?

@PharmerRPh

Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.

@MichaelLarrick

If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.

@BoomBoomBetty

Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.

@Marlebean

A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either

@ddsmidt

When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.

@shanethevein

I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.

@RunOldMan

A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.

@FrazzleMyGimp

ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.