When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it

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Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]


In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?


Of all the bands named after handicapped jungle animals, Def Leppard is my favorite.


If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.


Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.


A plastic surgery slogan:

Because You Don’t Have A Good Personality Either


When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.


I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.

You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.


A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.


ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?

Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.