When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
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For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
They’ll continuously make Fast & Furious movies until it’s a bunch of old men trying to get out of a grocery store parking lot
“weighing in at 129 lbs, here to throw down in a gown, to slay with a bouquet-”
(Bride walks down the aisle, upset I mentioned her weight)
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
Are you ok?
– my 6yo watching me put the sheets on her bunk bed.
Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Her: You smell like alcohol.
Me: awww, you smell lovely too.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
HOW I DRESS FOR UNIVERSITY
First day of the week: brad pitt
Last day of the week: homeless druggie
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting
“In case of emergency break glass” Who do you think I am? Some sort of karate expert? I can’t even open a Cheetos bag.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.