@itsdivbaby

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

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@janinebrito

*me on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones*
“This has been a good life, I’m so happy to go peacefu-

*Linkedin comes crashing through the wall*
“DEBRA WOULD LIKE TO ADD YOU TO HER PROFESSIONAL NETWORK!”

@andylassner

CNN reporting that CNN will be reporting something on CNN.
Tune in to CNN for all of the up-to-the-minute stuff CNN is reporting.

@MatCro

ME: I’m off to that meeting

BOSS: Forget something?

M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]

B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you

@SamGrittner

Whenever someone’s robbing my house, I pretend I’m robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.

@BrokenPalabras

Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.

@drhappyknuckles

Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,

Patient: My name’s not Ted.

Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed

Lion eating me: sorry

@Bez

When someone texts “whatcha doin” after midnight the appropriate response is “someone else” even if you’re just eatin’ pizza all alone.

@KingRainhead

friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me