*me on my deathbed, surrounded by loved ones*
“This has been a good life, I’m so happy to go peacefu-
*Linkedin comes crashing through the wall*
“DEBRA WOULD LIKE TO ADD YOU TO HER PROFESSIONAL NETWORK!”
when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”
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Tune in to CNN for all of the up-to-the-minute stuff CNN is reporting.
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
Whenever someone’s robbing my house, I pretend I’m robbing it too then I make off with as much of my stuff as possible.
Ancient people: turned grapes into wine, agave into tequila, and sugar cane into rum.
Modern people: turn soy, rice, or almonds into milk.
Doctor: Ted, you’re dying,
Patient: My name’s not Ted.
Doctor (checking clipboard): Linda, you’re pregnant.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
When someone texts “whatcha doin” after midnight the appropriate response is “someone else” even if you’re just eatin’ pizza all alone.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me