@itsdivbaby

when i hear fat people say that they’ve made mistakes, i always think to myself, “yeaa…at the grocery store.”

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@HomeWithPeanut

To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.

@hellohappy_time

3rd base is actually watching a horror movie then looking up theories about the ending on message boards together

@angibangie

Him: I love nerd girls

Me: Cool! Did you know the human body can’t feel water, only a change in temperature?

Him: no. not like that.

@daemonic3

daughter: dad can we go see frozen 2

me: frozen to what lol

daughter: dad i’m serious!

me: hi serious, i’m dad hahaha just kidding, what’s it about

daughter: it’s about 2 hours lmao

@FredTaming

chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?

@annaeveryday

flight attendant: is there a doctor on board?
dad: *nudge* could’ve been you
a philosopher: *sigh*
flight attendant: we are going to crash and can either hit a field and kill 1 farmer or a runway and kill 5
dad: what
a philosopher: IT’S HAPPENING OH MY GOD IT’S REALLY HAPPENING

@Gooooats

You have precisely two minutes to consider where your life went wrong as you watch your Hot Pocket rotate in the microwave.

@mom_ontherocks

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy