When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
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Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
I can’t deal with men any longer
Therapist: So what steps can you take to break your people-pleasing habits?
Me: Ask my mother what she wants me to do?
Therapist: No.
Me: Sorry. Are you mad at me?
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
mugger: I said, your money or your life
me: *takes his hand* and I knew which I’d give him
our kids: awww
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
“Mr. Trump how will you beat Hillary Clinton?”
TRUMP: I’ll win NY, Florida, Ohio, we’re going to add states, Gerzona, Timbaland, Waterworld
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
My son just got braces and his mouth hurts too much for solid food so I made him a milkshake but he didn’t want it and then my husband said he’d drink it but then he didn’t end up wanting it either. So no, sadly my milkshake does NOT bring any boys to the yard.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
My elderly uncle was proudly showing off his new “Screechers”, and my dudes, this is what I will call Skechers from now on
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
me: =)
dentist: we have to remove some teeth
me: =;
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Have some fun at work: End every comment with a long slow wink
“My report is super late”
*long slow wink*“I swear I didn’t drink at lunch”
*long slow wink*“Oh, I’m fired?”
*long slow wink*
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together