When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
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squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
After I beat my dad in Go Fish, I like to shit in my underwear to celebrate.
-My son, apparently
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
I received a sibling discount when kid number two got braces today. Kid two said I should give her a cut since she “saved” me $200. I told her she actually cost me $5,000. She said, “Yeah, but not $5,200
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
The downside of DVR is getting freaked out by tornado warnings from four days ago
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
