When I hear someone say, “chicken pot pie,” I get excited three times.
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Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
“ew what is that?” is my child’s adorable way of asking what’s for dinner
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Everyone is gangsta until they get one sock wet
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Love is taking a picture of your husband holding up a fish at the fish market
– my wife: I’m not doing that
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Facebook: You have more friends on Facebook than you think. Me: You have higher expectations than you think.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
*at the confessional
Priest: .’..and do you repent? Do you plan to repeat these sins?’
Me: ‘You mean, like, ever?’
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think