When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
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There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
I once beat boxed for over 6 hours trying to impress a girl before finding out she was deaf.
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
DATE: *looking at dessert menu* are you thinking what i’m thinking
ME: *smiling* let’s say it together
DATE: 1,2,3! ice cream
ME: why does “Open” start with a closed circle and “Closed” start with an open cirrrice cream
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
My life coach traded me.
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
It’s not that I don’t care about your opinion but everyone has one. They’re everywhere. You can’t walk without tripping on one. They’re falling from the sky now, lurking in dark alleys. One time a strong opinion threw me on its shoulder & carried me off like a Viking marauder.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
How to fall downstairs……
Step 1
Step 6
Step 9,10,11,12
So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
a shrimp? am i to accept, as god’s own truth, that the sea’s very own abominable and chittering roach, was the one who took wok into hand and fried this rice?
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
wanted: shrödingers cat
dead and alive
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.