hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
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teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
dad: you losing weight
me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet
dad: yes
[ Blind date ]
Me: I guess you could say gynecology is more of a hobby of mine than anything.
Her: ummmm
Me: whatcha thinking?
Her: of the ways I’m going to murder my former friend for setting us up on this date.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
A video clip of me, supposedly from 1941, wearing pigtails and standing on the moon has been misrepresented and proven to be a hoax, fact checkers say.
it’s rude to tell someone they’re incorrect. A more polite response is, “Did you know you’re incorrect?”
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
*man choking*
Is there a doc in the house?
*Dr Pepper rises*
*searches man’s pockets*
Hey ur no doctor!
*moustache falls off*
*it’s Mr Pibb*
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
everyone has that one prude friend
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
incredible text to wake up to
We got a notice at work that a coyote had been spotted on the fitness trail, and I was, like, “Good for him.”
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
*slams a five on the counter*
“Bartender! Give me another!”
*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Laura Dern was born 35, she was 35 in Jurassic Park and she’s still 35 today