satan: [pulling me aside] hey we’ve had some complaints
me: about the laughing?
satan yeah [scratching horns] i gotta be honest a lot of the demons are creeped out
me:
satan: you really shouldn’t be enjoying the torture this much
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Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
yall want some gasoline milk
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Tier 3 meme
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
I don’t believe in reincarnation but damn my dog looks like he’s trying to crank over a motorcycle while he’s sleeping.
Me: How’s it going?
Coworker: Can’t complain.
Me: Try harder.
Coworker: Life is meaningless.
Me: Atta boy.
*just after death, I head toward a bright light*
ME: Jfc, do you have a dark mode?
JESUS: *sends me straight to hell*
ME: NoOoOoTtt liiiiiiiiiiiiKe
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MOM: finish your dinner
SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full
MOM: hi full, I’m mom
DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*
Hell hath no fury like a child who found you threw away bubble wrap
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Pelican trying to eat a capybara.. 😅
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.