When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”
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[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
I’m embarrassed to live in a world that’s allowed 9 fast and furious movies
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
Taking a road trip with my toddler made me realize that I do in fact negotiate with terrorists.
[Airport Departures]
We have a family-friendly policy to always seat children onboard with their parents
Me: Even if I pay extra?
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Before I check out of my hotel room, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
If I die, tell them to reconstruct me from sock DNA.
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
mom had nothing to worry about
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
my cat when i respond to his mournful meows for treats every half hour with “oh we’re singing now?” and start melodically meowing back at him
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
all i want is to be as happy as this potato