@rickelverum

When I lay all my cards out on the table, people be like “Damn, where you get all them cards?”

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@daemonic3

Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?

*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*

@Barknado69

“I got your back”

“And I got your nose”

“Ooh I want his feet”

Mr. Potato Head: *sobbing* guys stop it

@Amusitr0n

[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself

@ddsmidt

When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.

@pleatedjeans

[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]

@dreamthievin

New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!

@squirrel74wkgn

I’ve never gotten off the elevator at a hotel and walked in the right direction.

@jjmick45

GUYS: you need to be nicer to women,if you dont believe me just google “woman stabs” and see how many stories come up.