When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

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Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks


[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”


Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.


jesus could get on twitter and be like “fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!” and someone would be like “you’re”.


[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth


How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.


My wife said I need to grow up.

I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth


I just whispered “Come at me, bro” to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I’m in my car driving away from my old life.


Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.

Me: This isn’t going to work out.


John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down