Hey everyone, my mom’s following me on Twitter now, so ixnay on all the eetstway about the ugsdray and exsay and acismray. Thanks
When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
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[introducing you to my family]
“this is my son Carson, my daughter Boatdaughter, & our dog Motorcyclepet”
Bake a book inside a cake and help a convict escape into his or her imagination.
jesus could get on twitter and be like “fear not, child. i know for a fact that your going to heaven!” and someone would be like “you’re”.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
I just whispered “Come at me, bro” to a bug and it ran towards me, so now I’m in my car driving away from my old life.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
John: we need a new word for foolishness
Tom: How about johnfoolery lol
John: Ok that’s definitely what I’m writing down