When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.
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“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
You can’t ask your friends to pack all their lavender clothes in a go bag and come to a secluded cabin and then brand them with an unintelligible symbol without someone getting needlessly suspicious that it’s the beginning of a cult
When my daughter was six I picked her up from kindergarten. It was overcast and drizzling. She pointed up to the sky and said “that’s where the sun would be if we had one” and I was like OK settle down, Finding Emo
A chicken running a marathon wears Ree-bokbokboks
Instead of continually saying “password incorrect” why can’t my computer say “getting hotter” or “getting colder”?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
The very first thing I think of doing when I buy a new electrical appliance is immersing it in water so I’m really glad the instructions warn against that.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow