@Carbosly

When I leave a plane, I tighten the belts before I leave so that whoever sits there next will think “wow, whoever sat here was very thin”.

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@TheHyyyype

COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!

ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*

CW: uuhh…

@pineapplepleas

I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.

@mattingebretson

I saw a woman crying on a park bench so I sat down and hugged her and whispered “please stop stealing my spotlight”

@Home_Halfway

[Dumbo meeting, 1941]

WALT DISNEY: Let’s make a new kids movie
WRITER: Will it be funny?
WALT: No, it’ll be about a sad baby elephant
WRITER: Who tells jokes?
WALT: No, he’s taken from his mom
WRITER: To somewhere fun?
WALT: No, the circus
WRITER: ….everything ok at home, sir?

@AndyAsAdjective

My fly was down the entire day & I didn’t notice. So I’m taking him out for drinks after work. Hopefully that’ll help cheer him up a bit.

@ryanqnorth

Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE

@CliffDuffy

I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.

@Ygrene

[my coffin lowering into the grave]

wait guys shouldn’t I be dead

[coffin starts lowering faster]

@NotJPo

I just ate so much Chinese food that now I’m able to use algorithms based on linear algebra to solve large numerical systems.