When I leave the gym, I feel sculpted like the great greek god Hippopotames

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Dear Snapchat, I don’t care what I look like as a strawberry, just give me a filter that makes me look like I showered.


*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want


{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.

Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate


Every time I glue uncooked pasta together, a macaroni angel gets its wings.


The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.


Top Gun (PG) – 1986

A military jet suffers thru two arrogant pilots’ bro-speak until finally fighting back, killing one of them – 110 mins


The premise of The Exorcist is truly terrifying. Imagine having a 12-year-old daughter.


The key to any successful relationship is to prevent your partner from being carried away by a large bird