@DulciePlaid

When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.

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@Super_Cynthia

911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
911: Hello?!
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND

@DaddyJew

[me flirting]
Wanna nap and occasionally scratch each others backs?

@My_Monster4

I wouldn’t mess with me; my stress ball can easily take an eye out.

@Book_Krazy

It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.

@chuuew

WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?

ME: Of course

BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO

@sara_ashlynn

My son kneed himself on the trampoline.

*black eye forming

Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.

@umer_0000

Feet is the plural of Foot
Geese is the plural of Goose

So by extension, stop calling it Jeep, it is only one Joop

@DivorceDiva

I’m a take me or leave me kind of girl.

Wait, where ya going?

@roboticcrab

ME *traps wasp under a cup*

MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*

ME: no

MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*

@mortimermaiden

Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!