911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
You Might Also Like
Wanna nap and occasionally scratch each others backs?
I wouldn’t mess with me; my stress ball can easily take an eye out.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
My son kneed himself on the trampoline.
*black eye forming
Me: Son, we need to come up with a better story than this.
Feet is the plural of Foot
Geese is the plural of Goose
So by extension, stop calling it Jeep, it is only one Joop
I’m a take me or leave me kind of girl.
Wait, where ya going?
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!