When I left for work this morning, the dog begged me to stay and the cat handed me my keys.
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I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
My 5-year-old is learning about exercise & endurance, but he keeps saying insurance. Yesterday, he asked me if you need good insurance when you run. I told him at my age, you had better.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
At my funeral, I’m stipulating in my will that after the eulogy is read the crowd can have 15 minutes for rebuttal, just to be fair.
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
This man hollered at me from his uhaul and asked “can I get a picture with you?” I said sure. We used my phone to take it. I asked if he wanted me to send it to him. He said no.
Parenting is about lovingly tucking your kids into bed at night and still waking up with a small foot on your face.
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Haters will say my strike wasn’t valid just because I bowled it with a rotisserie chicken.
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
When people ask me how old I am, I always say 45.
They all think I look AMAZING for my age.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*