[opens GPS voice command]
FIND DOGS TO PET
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1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
A friend who is on Bumble told me a guy texted her, “Do you like prunes?” as an opener and she thought it was bizarre. I told her to respond with, “No, but I do like dates” in case you were wondering who not to ask for dating advice ever
The key to being a good conversationalist is giving a great conversationalist room to talk
When will all of this hoarding stop? I nearly broke down today when I couldn’t find any beluga caviar, Wagyu beef, or gold shavings for my fresh ice cream.
Tip for great hair: Don’t wash it for 17 days. Finally shower. Wait for the compliments to roll in.
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
Gone in 60 Seconds is a documentary about me leaving work on Fridays.
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
[job interview]
Panel: We’re looking for someone with intensity, focus, passion and drive
Me: *adjusting volume on Ipod* sorry what?
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
The first rule of Mormon fight flub is go door to door talking about Mormon fight club .
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Randomly print things to give your co-workers the impression you’re working.
has anyone maybe thought to check on the mom?
DOG 911: what’s the emergency?
DOG: a boy threw a ball but I can’t find it
DOG 911: did u check his hand?
DOG: of course I checked hi—DAMMIT
On Sunday
Him: Wanna go out Saturday?Me: that’s my shower day.
I can pencil you in for Friday though.Him: no thanks
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Me: In my day we all had to watch the same thing, at the same time, on the same screen
My kids: NOOOOO!!!
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Cheers Twitter.
an intruder breaks into our home. he goes for the knife drawer but I’m standing in the way. he moves to another drawer but there I am again. my wife nods.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.