When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
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I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
Love spending a relaxing Sunday curled up with a good book as it sits next to me untouched while I scroll through twitter for three hours
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
[I time travel to 1998]
Guy: This is the first showing of Mulan, how does that dude in the front row already know the words to all the songs
I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
Check out @funTweeters. Laughing until I was crying!
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Wife: What is that?
Me: Did you know killer whales are really the largest dolphin in the world?
Wife: I don’t care, just get it OUT of our pool!
Me: [whispering] Don’t worry, Dolphin Lundgren…she’ll come around.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
[begging for change]
POLICE OFFICER: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
ME: *slamming fists against claw machine* but I’m SO CLOSE
POLICE OFFICER: it’s my turn
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
After three hours with the kids my husband asked me to put him in time out and I was like: Hell no! it’s my turn