When I meet someone new I always determine if they’d be an ally or food, in the event of a zombie apocalypse.
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My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
My boyfriend says I’m like a robot in bed so I’m basically a sex machine.
My toddler does this thing when he’s angry or frustrated where he growls. I been telling him to calm doon and stop. Two days ago buying a lemon and couldn’t open the bag to put it in so I growled loudly in the shop and now it all makes sense
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
A man of commitment.
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
“What do your tattoos mean?” That I had $200 and no one stopped me
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
You know you have kids when you say “see you soon” on the way out of urgent care
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
Breaking news:
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
Finding out that the majority of microplastics come from tire dust should be a call to rethink our push for electric cars, and consider the environment-friendly potential of moving castles
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
My good tweets are in my other pants.
He raised an eyebrow, put his hand down and with one eye on the table, looked expressionless.
Never play poker against Mr Potato Head.
*comes into work with black eye* oh please I’m fine guys! But you shoulda seen the other guy. He was a cabinet door that i walked into
in high school our gym teacher asked us who we thought the smartest teacher in the school was. we guessed the AP chem teacher, the precalc teacher, the AP physics teacher, etc. he goes, nope, it’s me because I get paid the same as those guys and I play dodgeball all day.