When I miss my parents I put 12 expired salad dressings in my fridge and it feels like home
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[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Boss: Can I speak to you about your recent insubordination?
Me: I don’t know, CAN you?
*High-fives high school English teacher*
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
people who put their finger everywhere: leave my dimples alone
“And on the 8th day, God created the platypus because he had some spare parts and thought a hairy duck might be fun.” – Genesis 51:12
him: it’s what’s inside that counts
me: are you going to keep going on about the abacus I swallowed?
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
Guys who try to pick up women on Twitter are a bit sad…
Ladies, if you agree, DM me your number so we can talk about it…
*God invents corgis*
God: what ingredients do we have left
Angel: uh, a meatloaf and some pig feet
God: lol check this out
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Well, that should do it
Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
my nurse asked if i was born in the US and i said “no, i was born abroad” and then there was a long silence followed by her saying “can you please help me? i can’t find ‘Abroad’ on this list…” and showed me a drop down list of countries…
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
Candles never taste the way they smell
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Me: “What’s your favorite shoe brand?”
Person: “Converse.”
Me: “We’re already talking.”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
My doctor is always whispering to me something about not sticking Q tips in my ears. I need a louder doctor
Tier 3 meme
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.