I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
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Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
The best way to dry off a wet baby is to leave him in a jar of rice overnight.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
Sorry I hacked your e-cig. You’ve actually been vaping a dead bird for a month.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
“If we get the kids to help us it will go faster!”
– the dumbest thing I’ve ever said
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
Ways To Win My Heart:
1) Be smoking hot
2) Be thin
3) Be a pig
4) Be bacon
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.
OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Team leader: This is a do or die situation.
Me: It absolutely is not.
Jurassic Park came out 30 years ago, and now I feel like the fossil.
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’