When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
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Birthday sex is just having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Swedish for common sense.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
bought a pair of yoga pants to motivate myself to run faster so no one sees me wearing this shit
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Dollar Tree pregnancy tests.
For when you only want to be 35% sure.
People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!