“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
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Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.
By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken