@Shade510

When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.

Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.

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@Inferno_V

“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.

@rajandelman

What if those pandas mated naturally for the first time because they’re turned on by mounting human death tolls

@minkpinkustink

it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing

@meganamram

Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name

@delusionaliam

Today, I saw that my ironing board cover was wrinkled. I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because irony has the word iron in it.

@SondraDeeMe

By the nervous look on his face I thought my boyfriend had an engagement ring hidden in his hand but it was just a stranger’s bra.
Whew.

@dumbbeezie

My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken