When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
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me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Gyms are open !
Just finished an intense workout session! (sitting in a gym judging one person for the past 2 hours)
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
TODAY
Hard not to take this personally
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
“This is The Grey Wall of China”
I think it’s ‘great’
“We all do, pal”
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
Me: Why were my tests so expensive?
Hospital: All of our equipment is state-of-the-art.
Me: Why did it take so long to send the results to my doctor?
Hospital: Our fax machine was down.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Relationship status:
I ran out of toilet paper a week ago.
Update:
I am now running out of paper towels.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
[operating room]
NEUROSURGEON: and now is the most delicate part of the surgery, where we remove the fluid that has built up in his brain…
NURSE: *nods to assistant* he’s ready for the rice now
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off