[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
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“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
There’s no “u” in employee. You’re fired.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Kids, eat your vegetables.
*reluctantly, they eat*
[2 hrs later]
*I eavesdrop on their convo*
Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
Hey, my girlfriend and I noticed you from across the room. Are you gonna finish your fries
Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments
Executioner: any last words
Me: [very fast] if I’m innocent say what
Executioner: what?
Me: oh man you’re sooooo going to get fired.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
I’m my own worst enemy. And the enemy of my enemy is my friend. So I’m also my best friend
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Don’t fight City Hall. It’s a building, you’re just gonna break your wrist.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.