when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
You Might Also Like
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
3 yr old: Grandpa, did your parents name you grandpa?
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Establish dominance over your doctor by asking what drugs he’s taking.
u spoke cat all this time??????
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
It’s a good thing this pandemic is almost over and we’ll be returning to the office soon because I’m almost out of Post-it Notes at home.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir