When I order delivery online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”

*Puts on dragon costume

*Waits in bushes

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Sure I’ll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick.


911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?


me: 911 how would I know?


I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her


hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER


[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”


Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”


Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword


2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues


Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.


Elon Musk’s son not gonna have birthdays he’s gonna have updates😭😭