Sure I’ll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick.
When I order delivery online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”
*Puts on dragon costume
*Waits in bushes
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me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
me: 911 how would I know?
I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”
Me: What’s wrong?
Me: Grabs shield and sword
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.
Elon Musk’s son not gonna have birthdays he’s gonna have updates😭😭