Don’t like your daughter’s boyfriend?
Leave this on his windshield.
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“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
-Optimistics: The glass is half full
-Pessimistics: It’s half empty.
-Twitter: Is this about me? I’m offended.
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Probably a bad sign that I now watch “The Handmaid’s Tale” to unwind from the news
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
boss: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: HAHAHA[later]
cw: WORKING HARD OR HARDLY WORKING?
me: literally never talk to me gary
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Mah Dearest Emma,
War on Christmas is hell. This morn, I saw 7 elves stabbed with 1 menorah. I fear this nog soaked yuletide may nevah end.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
wife: i’m going into labor
husband: when
wife: now
husband: [sets plate of nachos down] jesus christ karen i just made these
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
i, nurse brian, take thee, my mom’s toilet, in holy matrimony
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
English is crazy we’ve got silent g’s, p’s, h’s, mimes, c’s… where does the madness stop?
People who say “Money doesn’t grow on trees” don’t understand the paper making process.
I know a bad idea when I see one.
Me, sitting on the patio trying to enjoy a book.
Leaf blowers: ABSOLUTELY NOT.
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]
me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
[jungle]
Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.
Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.
Haha! 😂