@RobElliottComic

When I order delivery online and there’s a “Notes” box I put “Ring bell, Cross moat, SLAY DRAGON”

*Puts on dragon costume

*Waits in bushes

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@motrboatr

Sure I’ll send you a shirtless selfie. Just let me work out for 6 months real quick.

@PleaseBeGneiss

911: 911

me: I think my smoke detector is broken

911: is there smoke?

me: how would I know?

911:

me: 911 how would I know?

@T_Bonezzz_

I wish my ex girlfriend was a Ninja, this way I’d never see her

@seamussaid

hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER

@KeetPotato

[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”

@RickAaron

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

@crunchenhancer

Wife: Silent

Me: What’s wrong?

Wife: Nothing

Me: Grabs shield and sword

@SortaBad

2008: I want a career where I change the world

2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of

2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues

@ParentEsq

Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.

@jujubangzz_

Elon Musk’s son not gonna have birthdays he’s gonna have updates😭😭