You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
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yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
A fortune cookie told me I’d receive an important message soon.
The message in the bottle told me the fortune cookie was poisoned.
“Dad?”
“Yes, son?”
“Where do busboys come from?”
“Well, son. When a boy loves a bus very, very much…”
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
If your coffee smells of sausages, there’s a fair chance you’ve accidentally made yourself a cup of sausages.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
I understand why there were reindeer named Dasher, Dancer and Prancer, but how did Vixen earn her name. What is Santa hiding
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
Autocorrect changed ‘are you around?’ to ‘are you aroused?’ and my buddy didn’t want to hang out today.
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
“TGIM!” – My liver
[wife frantically searching the house]
Have you seen the kids, I’ve looked everywhere
[me napping on couch]
OMG HOW LONG HAVE WE HAD KIDS
The glockness monster
Relationship status: I’m about to go put on my camouflage pants so my family can’t find me on the couch.
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.