When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.

And they do.

And I am.

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Bad comedy:

“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”


“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”


Press 1 for English. Press 2 For shitty customer service in any language.


Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.


Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot


I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.


People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.