“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
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Press 1 for English. Press 2 For shitty customer service in any language.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Go ahead, mate with someone who wears glasses, add to the degradation of our eyesight as a species. Not like there are bears we need to spot
Got you a shirt
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
The main reason I got divorced is because I got married.
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
People always say I make things sound sexual but I try not to pry them open and force my thick throbbing opinion down inside them.