[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
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BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die
DATE: how about we move this to the bedroom?
ME: give me one minute
*i kiss all my beanie babies on the head and put them on the ground*
I don’t have an Alexa so I have to say things like “Matt, play music” or “Matt, turn the lights off” and then I have to do those tasks myself and it’s super embarrassing.
Date: wow you are dressed to kill tonight!
[Me in full medieval armour] a knight never takes a life unless he has to Janice
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better