When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.

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*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”


“Good luck with your little skits!”

-Shakespeare’s mom.


When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.


Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton


*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*


Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.

Now picture them holding a pizza box.


(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein