When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
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My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
“You run like you’re making fun of running.” -my brother
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I back into a parking spot at the grocery store when she’s in the passenger seat with cars waiting on her side.
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
her: thanks for catsitting! everything go okay?
schrödinger: yes and no
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just think you’re immature and lack intelligence. Hope that helps!
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Oceanography is all about current events
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
I’m giving up for Lent.