@david8hughes *puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
“Mermaid probably.”
@ilovepie84 When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
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@david8hughes 
@thenatewolf “Good luck with your little skits!”
-Shakespeare’s mom.
@TheTweetOfGod 152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
@weinerdog4life Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
@fimoculous When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
@thedad Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
@awescar *rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
@Jake_Vig Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
@singwithTaffy (friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
@JukeJointJesse My bucket list.
1. Buy bucket.