*puts spider in the ocean*
“Now go free and flourish into an octopus.”
*cuts girl in half & puts in ocean*
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
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“Good luck with your little skits!”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Picture someone you think is kinda/sorta attractive.
Now picture them holding a pizza box.
(friends getting chinese noodles without you)
that’s pretty lo, mein
My bucket list.
1. Buy bucket.