@donni

When I play the kazoo, I play to win

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@Eightinchgoat

My neighbor seriously just asked me, “Does Canada have 4th of July?”

I said “No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh?

I need to move.

@daemonic3

Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?

TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks

Why?

TRUMP: To make America grate again

@themiltron

[the invention of money]
i want your stuff
“it’s mine tho”
what if i gave you a hard circle or a long paper
“hmmm”

@TuSoonShakur

[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]

“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”

Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”

@HomeProbably

Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.

This is not a coincidence.

@envydatropic

The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong

@Gooooats

“I’m a feminist,” he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.

@JonnyStallone

Ladies…when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.