My neighbor seriously just asked me, “Does Canada have 4th of July?”
I said “No, they skip from the 3rd to the 5th, eh?
I need to move.
When I play the kazoo, I play to win
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Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
TRUMP: To make America grate again
[the invention of money]
i want your stuff
“it’s mine tho”
what if i gave you a hard circle or a long paper
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
“I’m a feminist,” he said wanttogetintoyourpantsingly.
Ladies…when I say bless you after a sneeze, just say Thank you, instead of wondering where in the bushes that just came from.
Me: You’ve changed