@skullmandible

when I played the Sims if a sim got hungry/tired I’d just delete them and replace them with a copy who was content so maybe no kids for me

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@Awk0Tacoo

I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.

@roxiqt

An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.

@BuckyIsotope

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

@juliussharpe

Maybe we should stop making ski masks since no one wears them except bank robbers.

@cynicanoldicus

I had pamphlets printed up for when someone asks what’s wrong with me.

@NewTmrw

Coronavirus is too radical. America needs a more moderate virus that we can respond to incrementally.

@juneohara65

Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.

@TheBoydP

I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?

@KingsnorthAP

Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink