when I played the Sims if a sim got hungry/tired I’d just delete them and replace them with a copy who was content so maybe no kids for me

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I can’t get mad when I hear babies screaming in public because honestly, I feel the same way sometimes.


An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.


I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”


Maybe we should stop making ski masks since no one wears them except bank robbers.


I had pamphlets printed up for when someone asks what’s wrong with me.


Coronavirus is too radical. America needs a more moderate virus that we can respond to incrementally.


Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.


I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?


Starbucks, where 11 members of staff frantically do things behind the counter, yet not one of these things appears to resemble a hot drink