i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone
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A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
All I’m saying is, if boring people to death was a real thing, I’d be a dangerous man.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
dating again after you break up with a long term partner is like dying in a video game and ending up back at the start to do it all again except with less health
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
[6 months after breaking up]
Me: AND ANOTHER THING,
Cake safety first. Always.
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.