When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

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Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.


A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.


*walking into store*

Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*

Marriage level: Expert


[wonka factory in 2018]

Charlie: augustus is drowning

Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all


Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.


Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.


Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you


Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.

Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.


CW: can i ask a stupid question

ME: sure u seem qualified