Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
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A genius would have put Kevin Bacon in Grease.
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*
Marriage level: Expert
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
Everyone SAYS they want a fairytale wedding but when I show up and curse their firstborn suddenly I’m the jerk.
Why is it when you tell someone you had a dream about them they assume sex? Like no dude, I killed you
Pro: My 3yo knows a little bit of Spanish.
Con: It’s the lyrics from Despacito.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified