When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
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I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
Did you come from a “never take medicine for any reason whatsoever” family or a “you might get a headache today, take 12 advil” family
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
[Buzzfeed for Cats]
6 THINGS THAT WILL MAKE U BOLT FROM THE ROOM
-Vacuum cleaner
-Walls
-The floor
-Air
-Yourself
-Nothing. Nothing at all
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Snapes on a plane.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Someone: what have you been up to?
Me: thanks, you too.
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
The worst part about “Friends” being canceled is that I’ve now been stuck with Rachel’s last haircut since 2004.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Teacher: this is an E
Kid: what if it’s an F behind an L
T: no it’s just an E
K: how can u be sure
[3 am]
T: *wide awake* how can u be sure
What’s heavier? A kilogramme of steel, or a kilogramme of feathers?
Was Darth Vader a humidifier or dehumidifier?
Asking for a donation like Wikipedia every time someone asks me a question
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.