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teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
I always took the phrase “God moves in mysterious ways” to mean that he walks like a crab.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?
ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.
me: “i taught the dog to bark when someone lies”
wife: “i dont care about that, do you like my haircut?”
me: [slowly covers the dog’s ears]
‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.
Disney World has announced it is closing due to Hurricane Ian. While many think it is for obvious safety reasons, the actual reason is if the power goes out and they lose containment the animatronics from Small World will be free to feed.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
Me: it was my grandmother’s ring
Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful
Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress
Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?
There’s 2 types of people in this world, people who give 110%, and the people who passed 4th grade math.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.