I’ve set my hair on fire lighting a cigarette before, so I’m always impressed when the movie-hero walks away from an explosion unharmed.
When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.
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REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
I’ve got 99 problems…
BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.
Superman: Who’s gonna be Batman?
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
SATAN: I will tempt you into leaving the desert
JESUS: Oh yeah I can’t wait to get back to the place where everyone hates me and has leprosy
[Target cashier stares at my fingerless gloves] Ah, couldn’t help notice you were admiring my hand vests.
Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong
There’s a woman here who, by the amount of makeup on her face, fought with a rainbow – and lost.