@TheMongoose69

When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.

You Might Also Like

@JaneBadall

I’ve set my hair on fire lighting a cigarette before, so I’m always impressed when the movie-hero walks away from an explosion unharmed.

@TheHyyyype

REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!

ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast

@UncleDuke1969

I’ve got 99 problems…

<snap>
98 problems.
<snap>
97 problems.
<snap>
96 problems.
<snap>

BRB… I need to buy more mousetraps.

@slimmy_shady

Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.

@WhatsAGreenhorn

Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?

Requirements:

– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)

@boring_as_heck

SATAN: I will tempt you into leaving the desert
JESUS: Oh yeah I can’t wait to get back to the place where everyone hates me and has leprosy

@shutupmikeginn

[Target cashier stares at my fingerless gloves] Ah, couldn’t help notice you were admiring my hand vests.

@donni

Strawberry is a terrible name. “Ooh, a berry with all the flavor of a straw,” you’d think. But you’d be wrong

@The_JRM

There’s a woman here who, by the amount of makeup on her face, fought with a rainbow – and lost.