The only thing worse than watching a 30-minute cartoon is not watching it then listening to your kid’s 45-minute recap.
You Might Also Like
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
It’s only a murder of crows if there’s probable caws
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Kevin, children are allowed to order pizzas. You don’t have to make the delivery guy think he’s being shot at by gangsters. For christ sake.
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
My wife said she wants to rescue a cat so I threw it in the pool.
do you think when Lightning McQueen threw the Piston cup to drive The King over the finish line a Honda Civic somewhere was destroying his living room after losing $10,000 on his parlay
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
He was a sperm,
she was an egg
can i make it anymore ovulous
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.