@TheMongoose69

When I push a door that clearly says pull, it serves as a harsh reminder that I’d make a terrible midwife.

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@AmericanGent69

Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.

Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.

@Book_Krazy

Hub: When was your first kiss

Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks

Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent

Me: I hate you

@Skoogeth

[being boiled alive in a witch’s soup]

witch (smacking me with her broom): stop *smack* eating *smack* all *smack* the *smack* potatoes *smacksmacksmack*

@withanewname

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

@MummsThaWord

Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant

@FeelingEuphoric

PRINCE: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!

RAPUNZEL: (to hair) you’re really sweet but I think we should just be friends

@ShortSleeveSuit

Bank robber: I got the money! Let’s get outta here!

Me [waiting outside on our getaway unicycle]: *rings bike bell*

@JessObsess

The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.

@geowizzacist

(Me playing guitar)

3: Daddy what’s this song called?

Me: Going Nowhere.

3: I know that but what’s this song called?

Burned by a 3yo.