When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
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them: you look just like a friend of mine
me: she sounds really pretty
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like “here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours.”
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
If Jesus loves me how come he’s never liked a single one of my instagram selfies
Why does it take 5-7 days to refund me…When it took 5-7 seconds to take that shit out
[pronouncing the ‘h’ in exhausted until my boss sends me home]
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
I’ve started dressing up as the Grim Reaper when I’m at home because in the marriage guidance counselling I asked my wife how I could change and she said ‘Doom aura round the house’.
I think she said something about listening too.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
Every kid turns into a mall walker when the lifeguard yells NO RUNNING
Just shake the magic 8 ball and tell me what it says
Priest inside the confessional: I’m not sure you know exactly where you are
🚫No Riding A Motorcycle While Being Haunted By The Memory Of A Deceased Pet
Dads will wake up at 5 AM so they have more time in their day to tell everyone they woke up at 5 AM.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Mr. & Mrs. Darling were unreasonably upset about Peter Pan taking Wendy considering they went out leaving a dog in a hat in charge.
Subway only exists because we’re all too damn lazy to throw a sandwich together.
“Could you lay meat on that bread for me? Here’s $8.”