@MartaEffing

When I realized my boyfriend said we should ‘break up’ & not ‘break dance’,
I was sad, but also relieved.

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@TheAlexNevil

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

@envydatropic

I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days

@OneTrickTofani

Just so u know guys I literally covered my roommates bed in 324 pieces of cornbread 2 make it a “cornbed” so ur fakes puns mean nothing 2 me

@RunOldMan

You should see the confused look on the produce clerk’s face when I ask where I can find kale and then walk in the opposite direction that they’re pointing to.

@thatUPSdude

We are never going to defeat the Decepticons, they are too good. I mean Bumblebee can’t even talk!

~Pessimist Prime.

@ParaComedian09

If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.

@Vodkantots

“And what will you do if you’re crowned Miss Universe?”

“I will have a special prosecutor put the first runner up in jail.”

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer

@JKNenagh

a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!