ME, MEETING ANYONE NAMED BLAIR: Hi, I loved your Witch Project.
You Might Also Like
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Hubs: You treat me like a child
Me: That is completely ridiculous. Now go brush your teeth, it’s almost your bedtime.
why is there Head & Shoulders shampoo. who has hair on their shoulders. whos shampooing their shoulder hair. please come forward
I saw an image of the Virgin Mary on a pumpkin!
It squashed all of my doubts…
And, reinforced my faith in Gourd.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
It’s that time of year again when I should really check in on my friends with pools or boats to see how they’ve been since last summer.
When another writer is telling you about their latest script deal.
My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
The worst part about painting is drinking the brush water.
The Punning Dead.
What doesn’t kill a grammar nazi makes me wronger.
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
Going to change my wifi network name to…
Someone Please Help Me
And give this neighborhood something to talk about.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*
Him: I’m a lover, not a fighter
Me: [already has on boxing gloves]
Awwww, that’s so sweet, should be an easy knockout then
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
villagers: BURN THE WITCH
me: you’re the reason your dad left
witch: omg
villagers [lowering torches] damn dude
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
[airport]
For $800 more you can upgrade to Arctic Class
What’s that?
Same as coach but the flight staff is penguins
[slaps table] SOLD