I practice with my nunchucks in the driveway to prevent intruders.
When I receive an invoice that says ‘early settlement would be appreciated’ I build them a Neolithic village.
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“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
My blood type is coffee.
One more glass of wine and my “only a lesbian from the waist up” rule is about to go out the window.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
dad: What’s a carburetor?
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh