When I receive an invoice that says ‘early settlement would be appreciated’ I build them a Neolithic village.

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“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”

“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me


[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]

Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”


You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?


One more glass of wine and my “only a lesbian from the waist up” rule is about to go out the window.


Me: I’m feeling short of breath.

Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?

Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.


Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?

Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]


Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!

Me: Oh, that is so sweet-

K: *pull out paint*

Me: You really don’t-

K: *pull out glue*

Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-

K: *pull out glitter*

Me: Christmas is cancelled.


dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh